A new year, a new beginning. . .
Upon revisiting this page, I find it has been an entire year since I last posted. I began this blog as a way to record my emotions and to document the milestones of my chemotherapy and radiation treatments. I now find myself at a crossroads. As a person living with cancer, you eventually find that life goes on. The world around doesn't slow down. You have to create, for yourself, a new "normal" that allows you to keep moving forward.
My life now, thankfully, is as "normal" as ever. I have incorporated the 3-4 monthly MRI scans and oncology appointments into my existence. I'd be lying if I said that I don't get nervous before these appointments, but it isn't the same terrifying anxiety that would plague me for several weeks prior even a year ago. You develop a new routine that works for you. I still have meds to take and I still get headaches more than I ever did before diagnosis, but that is my new normal.
I think, perhaps, the biggest thing I'm trying to communicate is that I no longer allow cancer to control me. Thankfully, there are even days where I don't think about it at all on a conscious level. I have to say, that's very liberating. I'm happier these days than prior to diagnosis. My life is, surprisingly, better for having been diagnosed. The "awakening" that I have experienced through this process has had far more positive than negative effects on my life. I know that some of you out there will be able to relate to these:
- Prior to diagnosis, I considered myself to be an organized person. Negative. You don't know what organization is until you have what seems like twenty thousand medical bills, pre-approval letters, insurance benefit explanation forms and duplicate (and even triplicate) bills landing in your mail box each and every day for six months. Diagnosis with a serious medical condition should come with a free secretary. Trying to make sense of and call to verify all of the bills can be frustrating. Add to this the fact that you're undergoing chemotherapy and radiation and you really don't feel like facing another envelope. In addition to all that, I have to say medical billing is a crazy process. The anesthesiologist that knocked me out for my craniotomy and who I certainly didn't "choose" billed me as "OUT of network" initially and therefore wasn't covered by my insurance company. Additionally, my lab work while i was under anesthesia (frozen sections and early tumor staging) were also "OUT of network" even though presumably someone in the O.R. handed them to someone very close by.
- Prior to diagnosis, my financial outlook was pretty bleak. I was driving an older car that was on its last legs and generally "spinning" my wheels (I realize the pun haha). I remember quite vividly lying in the hospital bed, shortly after I had been told that I would need to have a craniotomy and thinking to myself: "Bankruptcy, here I come!" However, in working with the insurance company and the hospital and all of the providers to insure that I was being accurately billed and then to see what assistance my hospital could offer, I was able to pay down a huge amount of what I owed before I even finished chemo. Subsequently, I was forced to create a budget and had no alternative but to stick to it. Doing so enabled me to purchase a new(er) car. It's crazy when I look back on how awfully irresponsible I used to be with money. That said, I know from my personal experience and from symptoms listed and other patients I've talked to, that a frontal lobe tumor can really mess with your personality. I'm sure that had at least something to do with the change in my mood and financial status pre and post surgery/diagnosis. In the 2.5 years since my diagnosis, my credit score alone has jumped over 200 points.
In short, my "cancer journey" has been an awakening in many ways. I really would like to find out if any of the people who read this have similar anecdotes to share. Please comment. I like connecting with all kinds of people. Also if you are wanting to offer or ask for advice, always know that you can email me or comment here.....
From NC where it's 21 degrees...stay well and stay warm!
